an introduction to the homeless writer

 Hello, welcome to my blog which I started because I'm an aspiring writer and maybe some of you who accidentally stumbled on here are also interested in writing, or storytelling in any of the many forms it comes in.  Everyone has a different story on how they figured out their dream was to be a storyteller. For some they just naturally gravitated towards books because it was easier dealing with fictional characters then real people, others might have been complimented on your storytelling and thought hmm if I’m naturally a good verbal storyteller I might as well put it in writing.

 

Personally for me was dreams, it all started when I was the age of 9 and I used to have these vivid dreams, from the cartoons I used to watch to the people in my life. And I used to remember every bit of the dream from the night before. Naturally being the biggest blabber mouth, talkative child in my family that could never keep a secret I had to tell my siblings.  This led to afternoon meetings with my 4 siblings where I used to recap the dreams from the night before. It was like our own special little TV show that had new episodes daily and it all came from my little brain.

 

But to no one’s surprise we couldn’t stay kids forever, as time moved on and me and my siblings got older the daily routines of childhood changed and with that telling my siblings the dreams from the night before faded away. but what never faded away was the dreams they never stopped they grew more vivid more lucid and more absurd as I was in my teenage years fueled by hormones, movies, and movies, and more MOVIES....... along with discovering a magical phenomena called day dreaming. I had found a way for the dreams to never end but simply just put on pause and go back to whenever I wanted. So while other kids my age were forming hobbies and figuring out who they are I was stuck in a never ending dream.

 

 See coming from a strict household and not being allowed to have much of a social life, I saw nothing wrong with daydreaming every second I could. Locking myself in my room and avoiding my family just to keep this endless story going. And it was fun making my own reality creating a world with powers, and fantasy with no rules. I could be anything I wanted, do anything I wanted who wouldn’t want to spend every possible second they could in that world. In school I wasn’t a social outcast or anything I wasn’t popular either. I knew everyone and got along with everyone but the second I left school and went back home that was it. That was the extent of my social life. I never kept in touch even all throughout summer. A new school year would start and it felt like starting from scratch again my classmates felt unfamiliar after all that time apart while they had all these stories of hanging out together I didn’t. But honestly it never bothered me that much.

 

 As I grew out of my adolescence to now becoming a young woman and moving away to Start University I found myself with all the freedom in the world having a real social life and real friends. I didn’t waste anytime with my new found freedom I caught up on everything I felt like I missed out on in my teenage years. Reckless choices and prioritizing fun over everything else. It was the life I used to fantasize about in my daydreams, But after the first year I tried everything I could and made memories to last a lifetime life jut started to feel boring and repetitive it just want fun anymore. I started to slip back in to old habits. prioritizing these dreams and these characters I developed in my mind that I grew attached to, nothing in this world could stop me from entering this small world I created it was everything and more then this world could offer me. It was like the real world couldn’t compete with the world I created, the highs I felt in the real world were nothing compared to the ones in my dreams. I couldn’t understand it but at the time I didn’t care.

 

But that all changed from a simple  conversation I had with a friend she asked me why I had these antisocial tendencies of mostly choosing to stay at home and how I could spend so much time at home alone and not get bored. She was curious and just wanted to understand what goes through a mind of an introvert, seeing that for her as an extrovert staying at home all alone while all your friends are out was the worst kind of torture that she wouldn’t wish upon her worst enemy. And it was a torture I was choosing gladly most night. After her many questions and me giving her unsatisfying answers, I decided F it let me just tell her the truth of what I actually do all day by myself. So I told her in the most causal  way I could, with the most simplest worlds that came to mind of how I could describe it. And it was ALL I DO IS DAYDREAM ALL DAY…..  Well that my friends set in motions the biggest character development I as a person could go through in all my years of living more powerful then puberty more powerful then moving out and finally having freedom. because that conversation was the beginning  of the self realization that in fact it wasn’t normal to prioritize daydreaming over every other accept of your life and ended with a self diagnosis with the help of Google search that I in truth was suffering from maladaptive daydreaming...............

 

So, there I was lying on my bed in my head, except this time it wasn’t to daydream no I was thinking about my own life every choice I made to get to this point in my life, and the more I thought about it the more I realized how sad and depressing my actual life was, robbed by this so-called maladaptive Daydreaming. while I was deep in this rabbit hole of dissecting my whole existence, I realized that I didn’t have that great of a social or academic life, I was failing in all aspects of my life and I know u must be thinking there's absolutely no way you could have been that blind to your on reality. My problem was not just daydreaming it was a cocktail of personality defects that I was lucky enough to be born with, and others I adapted over time from my upbringing. From being unrealistically optimistic, I mean seriously an asteroid could be hurling its way down to earth the size of Russia and I could still believe that by some miracle it would just disappear. And that’s how I handled every problem I ever had to face by doing absolutely nothing and letting it fade away.

 

To the fact that I was blessed with this cold unfeeling personality so I barely cried, or gave anything a second thought. Seriously multiple people in my life have told me they never met a more unbothered person before which at that time I thought was the biggest compliment on my personality. Yeah, look at how cool and chill I am I mean what girl doesn't want to be cool and chill, be easygoing and low maintenance causing no issues and just gliding through life like some ethereal princess? No, what they were trying to tell me in the kindest way possible was how can any human being  be so icy and uncaring about life. I wasn't cool or chill. I was a robot, a statue with no feelings or emotions other than laughter and a fake smile plastered to my face 24/7. Ergo how I could be so blind to my own life I was so used to pushing every feeling and problem away, believing it's just resolves itself.

 But you see just because problems disappear doesn’t mean it's resolved and I had to learn that the hard way. As I was staring at the four walls in my bedroom, sunlight was slowly creeping in. Given that I spent the whole night digging up berried truths, my body thanked me with numbing aches and mental fatigue from over thinking while being in bed all day. And as my self-induced insomnia was coming to its peak at the crack of dawn, I couldn't take it anymore my body, mind, and spirit were all broken it was time for me to sleep. But I didn’t give up or feel sorry for myself unwavering in my optimizing. I came up with a plan, that didn't include letting the universe resolve my problems. it was easy, all my problems started with my mind  Instead of wasting my time, and youth on daydreams and fictional characters, now I was going to use all that brain power to just think about my own life and my real problems, I won't be so cold and dismissive to myself. I made a promise to myself, and the promise was simple I would take charge of my reality. Easy just be present with my existence, and take it day by day. With I smile on my face I turned my body on its side, pulled my legs to my chest finding my comfortable position, and went to sleep.